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Upon arriving home from the obligatory Saturday night Chick Flick (I’m kidding, it was good, Gere and Lane are always good together), I got online to see what’s happened in the world this evening.
Upon arriving home from the obligatory Saturday night Chick Flick (I’m kidding, it was good, Gere and Lane are always good together), I got online to see what’s happened in the world this evening.
Not the five dumbest, necessarily, and not in any particular order, but here are five things we do in this country that just don’t seem to make a lot of sense:
1. Put so-called “Deadbeat Dads” in jail. - Perfect. That’ll help ‘em support their kids. Lock them up so they CAN’T work and make payments. Good idea. That really helps the child, doesn’t it?
2. Race through the terminal to get a good “spot” at the luggage conveyer. And for that matter, why must we all crowd around that conveyer and elbow and shove each other around just to pick up a bag that no one else wants anyway?
3. Speaking of pushing and shoving, Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. In reality, the sales aren’t all that great, and you end up getting angry trying to find a parking spot, which puts you in a bad mood before you enter the mall, which means you’re more likely to push and shove someone out of the way while battling for the same overpriced game system that will be $100 less in six months…
4. Give someone the finger when they pass you. What good does this do? Is this supposed to make you feel superior? If you’re driving 48 in a 55 just to tick people off, why then do you also feel the need to finger everyone that passes you as they choose to drive 55 or 60? Does this make you tougher? (Full disclosure, this did NOT happen to me this morning, it happened to Diane. A pretty, innocent young woman who would never hurt anyone. But the idiot fingered her as he was driving 45 on a two-lane state highway.)
5. Watch “American Idol”. Of all of the so-called “reality shows”, this has always been my least favorite. And the show is turning out to be “the Big Lie”. Seriously, name the past winners of the show (some people actually can)…and then name all of the smash #1 hits they’ve had on the music charts since they won the show. These people don’t become “idols”, much to the chagrine of profiteer Simon Cowell. Yet the idiots in this country still register more votes for this drivel than they do on Election Day. Amazin’.
Friday morning, for no apparent reason, we were no longer able to get online to browse. We could get email, mind you, and log on to gaming websites through our previously installed software, just not able to browse the web.
We were too busy to worry about it until Saturday night, but since then I have talked to six different tech support individuals. The first five were of absolutely no help (and included reps from Insight, Microsoft, and HP), continually giving me this advice: “log onto the internet and go to our tech website”. Um, dah-hude, like, I can’t GET online to do it! Hello, are you listening?
Finally, after 3 frustrating hours of non-help last night and two more this morning, I called Insight back one last time, thinking that if I didn’t get satisfaction it was time to change hosts…and got a young lady - whose name I did not catch but wish I would have - who fixed my problem in approximately 22 seconds. If I were British Royalty, I would have knighted her instantly. Fortunately for me…and probably for her, too, I’m NOT British Royalty. But that’s for another post.
Anyway, Insight has at least ONE tech support person who has their stuff together. Diane, btw, likes the fact that, quoting her here, “I like the fact that a chick fixed the problem…maybe we DO need a woman president”. But that, too, is for another post.
Dick Cheney (or, in actuality, a guy doing a fairly bad impression of The Dickster) called the Scott and Gin radio show Friday morning and delivered the “Optimistic Weather Forecast” for Peoria and Central Illinois. It went something like this:
“We’re in the final throes, if you will, of winter. I predict no more snow will fall this winter, as a matter of fact, there’s no snow on the ground right now. We also look for temps in the 70’s every day in 2008, as a matter of fact, it’s 74 right now.”
He then invited Scott on a hunting trip.
I resolve to post something on this blog every single day.
There. No “weight loss”, no “stop swearing”, no “resolve to kick the crap out of (insert name here)”, just a simple resolution. Let’s see how long it lasts.
Earlier this week one of my alter-egos had this description of road conditions, more of a “recap”, really, from the last week, during a phone call to the Scott and Gin show.
First, the freezing rain starts to fall. It’s at this time the roads get slippier than Britney Spears’ sanity. Then, they start to ice up, making them slicker than Mitt Romney’s hair. At storms peak, the ice on the roads gets thicker than Robin Williams’ chest hair. At that point, driving becomes as treacherous as hunting with Dick Cheney. Your vehicle is able to move forward about as well as the Chicago Bears offense.
Eventually, all the ice starts to go away. In areas where it was warm enough to melt away, the roads then become sloppier than Paris Hilton on a Saturday night, and it eventually turns to a heavy slush, which can push your car to the right faster than having lunch with Hillary Clinton. Or, to the left faster than having lunch with Fred Thompson. Either way, you’re going where you didn’t want to go.
And that’s the best way to describe life on the roads in Central Illinois for the last week.
An upscale grocery market in New York committed a faux pas last week, advertising a special on ham for Hanukkah. Whoops. It got me to thinking about what other specials they may offer in this obviously insensitive grocery store:
and of course, they would also have specials in their sporting goods and clothing aisles:
Like I said, they MAY offer these specials. But probably not.
Scenario: I’m sitting at the computer, TV over my left shoulder is tuned into ESPN, Chris Berman and the boys are talking football. Diane is over by the vanity, preparing for the day.
I’m not paying attention, but apparently the announcers said something about Green Bay and a certain offensive position, bringing this retort from Diane:
“I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be the tight end for the Packers.”
Ah, yes, out of the mouths of babes. And she is a babe.
Denver Broncos punter/kicker Todd Sauerbrun didn’t have a good day yesterday. He kicked the football directly to Devin Hester not once, but twice (in the same quarter!). Then, when he finally figured out that wasn’t a good idea, he decided to punt right into the outstretched hands of Charles Tillman, resulting in an easy (even for the pathetic Bears’ offense) 18-yard scoring drive. By my calculations, if Sauerbrun and the Broncos had half a brain, they would have won yesterday’s game 34-16.
To find out what makes this guy tick, this intrepid reporter has acquired Mr. Sauerbrun’s Daily Planner for Tuesday, November 27th:
7am - Guzzle cup of scalding hot coffee
8am - Run up and down stairs with scissors in hand
9am - Stick fork in wall socket to check power
10am - Insert angry ferret into pants
11am - Cut down tree with chainsaw, always making sure to be cutting “up”, with chain over my head
12pm - Try to steal raw meat from Michael Vick’s pit bull
1pm - Shave dry
2pm - Reach into aquarium, try to grab Piranha
3pm - Jog in center lane of interstate
4pm - Cover body in honey, enter bear exhibit at zoo
5pm - Wingwalk on F-15 in stocking feet
6pm - Have dinner with Mike Tyson, tell him he’s “a big sissy”
There you have it, a day in the life of Todd Sauerbrun. This should help explain yesterday’s behavior.
Sometimes, real life and a job get in the way of putting your thoughts down in a blog. Sometimes, your thoughts CAN’T be put down in a blog because the truth might hurt some people. And sometimes, even when you know you’re right, it’s best not to put those facts in print on a blog because there are just so many stupid people out there who are wrong. So yeah, I’ve been quiet…for multiple reasons, but mostly because I’ve never been busier…and I love it! Working for a great boss, who knows what he’s doing and knows when to just let people do what they know how to do, no matter how far the commute is every morning, can put a spring in your step. Plus, having a staff of employees who bust their tails for you is nice. Combine that with a great woman, a great house in a great little city, a great son, some wonderfully loving and well-behaved pets, and it’s a happy time right now.
Heck, even pathetic idiot drivers leave me laughing these days. But I do have some more driving rants on the way.
Making fun of bad punctuation has always been a pastime of mine, and apparently this blog’s owner as well.
No, not the guy, the fish! A 29-pound Asian Carp. Caught in Illinois? Nope. Try Minnesota.
Minnesota hasn’t seen (fortunately) many of these beasts, this one was caught in a wide area of the Mississippi called Lake Pepin, near Lake City, about 40 miles from where I grew up. At Lake Pepin, the Mississippi is very similar to the way the Illinois widens north of the Peoria Narrows. Except Pepin gets about six miles wide at it’s widest spot, with all the marshes.
(Trivia: the sport of water skiing was invented on Lake Pepin in 1922.)
Also, as you read the story, notice the photo below the main pic and to the right, with the cutline referencing Peoria, IL.
He cannot be serious. Can he?
http://www.nothingtoxic.com/uploads/b938775aad8d7cf0216496c1d267c905.wmv
I used to work for Kevin Krause, when he was the owner of the Cedar Rapids Silver Bullets CBA basketball team (yes, it was a reference to Coors, they were a big sponsor). Krause’s family owned the “Kum and Go” franchises of convenience stores in Iowa, and as you might expect, the stores were the butt of quite a few off-color jokes. But they’re not the only humorously named convenience stores. Last time we were in Minnesota, Diane laughed uproariously, and really couldn’t put a finger on why, at the name “Pump and Munch”. I couldn’t put a finger on it, either, but it just sounded funny. Gas and Go is another I’ve seen that has caused me to chuckle, for no apparent reason. And of course, not a real one, but a great fictional name supplied by Jeff Foxworthy: The “Stop and Rob”. Truckers, of course, call gas station/truck stop restaurants “Choke and Puke”, which is another giggler.
When I lived out West, “7/11″ was a biggie. Not necessarily funny, but one in Carson City was being remodeled and while it was closed, the marquee said “sorry for the inconvenience”, which made it, of course, the world’s most inconvenient convenience store for a time.
I’ve come up with some other names for future chains of stores, names that might do the trick.
For a store that specializes in it’s fuel and Mexican food:
“Gas and Gas.” Or, if that’s too confusing, you could say “Gas…and Fuel For Your Car, Too”.
For the store that features very clean and accessible restrooms to go with the gas pumps:
“Fuel and Stool.” (That’s my personal favorite, I think I’m going to open one.)
For the store that has a restroom on an island right out near the pumps, (I saw one of these once in Wyoming, it was at a 7/11, but the bathroom was way out in the parking lot, near the pumps):
“Whiz Quick” or just “Whizzers.”
For the store with gas and a large supply of smoothies:
“Fill and Chill.”
Anyone have any more?
A Knight In Dragonland has been having some fun.
I thought I’d give it a shot:
That’s me, and here’s the beautiful and talented Diane:
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