Good Year For The Outlaw

In the March issue of Motor Trend (which actually hit the newstands in late January), the presidential candidates that were still in the race at that time were asked what kind of car they drove.

Many didn’t respond, but some did, including those who jumped at the chance to be eco-friendly like John Edwards and Chris Dodd (both Ford Escape Hybrids) Mike Huckabee (Chevy Tahoe Flexfuel), those who jumped at the chance to show us the “every-guy” look, like Duncan Hunter (’87 Chevy Suburban - that’s right, ‘87) and Ron Paul (late model Town Car and “older” Buick Skylark is what he said).

Mitt Romney went for the “sporty, but nostalgic” angle with his 2005 Mustang convertible and his 1962 Rambler. Perhaps the most “presidential” of the bunch were Barack Obama (Chrysler 300) and John McCain (Cadillac CTS), and one candidate, Rudy Guiliani, didn’t even know: an aide told Motor Trend “we don’t believe he owns a car” was the answer.

Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich were all non-respondents, so we don’t know what they drive.

But among all those who did respond, only one candidate chose to drive a “furrin’ job”, and it was none other than Vonster’s “Captain America”, Fred Thompson, who wheels a Volvo SUV around Florida. No surprise there, really, when one knows what Thompson really is (and how much does that say about Vonster?).

Anyone who reads this knows what kind of drivers tick me off. But I just wonder aloud here…what possesses people to act like they do?

Case in point: I’m heading to Peoria Saturday afternoon, leaving Kewanee about 4:55pm. I get behind a large pickup with a topper and about a 1/2 ton of rusted metal at a stoplight. As the light turns green, it takes him forever to get to the 35 MPH speed limit. No big deal, I put up with this all the time. Frustrating, but what can you do? Nothing. As you’re leaving Kewanee to the south, the speed limit goes from 35 to 55 instantly, no 45 zone. Again, the trip from 35 to 50 takes about an hour and a half on this day. Still no biggie. I’m way back (I DO NOT follow too closely, I like to build up to pass from a proper distance). But he stops at 50. In a 55. I’d like to go 55. Or 63.  So I prepare to pass.

We hit the first eligible passing zone and I make my move. Suddenly, his truck is going much faster. I shake my head, fall back in line behind him and say to myself “here we go again…why do assholes do this?”  We climb a hill, suddenly we’re going 47 or 48.

Next passing zone, this one a much longer stretch.  I kick it down, and easily have the power to get past him, even as he is - again - trying to keep me from passing by accelerating. As I go by him, I glance up to see an extended and pudgy little middle finger. Typical. Why the hell do people do this? What possesses people to be such jerks?  It’s sickening.

BTW, unlike some other jag bags who then tailgate you as if you’re at Daytona after you pass them, this guy settled back into his 48 MPH drone as I watched more cars stack up behind him, while I was alone - safer - by being ahead of this dude. I wonder how many other people he fingered? I wonder why he does it? I wonder when someone is going to pull him over, pull him out of his rust bucket, and break the pudgy little middle finger in 22 pieces?

Another of my favorites:

The guy who travels 44-46 MPH on a two lane road with a little bit of leftover ice and snow along the shoulder and center line….UNTIL you pull out to pass, then you look in your mirror and there’s a car not only now traveling 55 MPH with you, but he’s attached himself to your back bumper so tightly that you can see what he had for lunch on his mustache.

Note to the guy in the beat up red 80’s-era Thunderbird: do it again and I’m gonna brake-check you so hard you’ll be scrapin’ the rust from my muffler off your back teeth.

Why is it here in Illinois that people refuse to dim their lights until the last possible second, if at all? Is it that hard? Are the drivers that selfish?

Particularly maddening is as you approach a hill, you can see the glow from the oncoming car’s lights, and they’re bright. I ALWAYS dim my lights BEFORE I crest a hill, because that’s how I was TAUGHT to drive by my instructor in Minnesota. Common courtesy, it’s called. Also has something to do with safety. I don’t know how many times I’ve done this recently, dimming my lights well in advance of line-of-sight of an oncoming vehicle behind a hill, only to see the other driver just leave his/her brights on until we’re right on top of each other, meeting at the top of the hill, and I’m momentarily blinded. Thanks, jerks.

Another aspect of this is interstate highway driving. Just because there’s separation between the four lanes does NOT mean you can simply leave your lights on bright when approaching other vehicles. The most frustrating of all is when you give an oncoming car a flick of the brights…several times…and you simply get ignored. If I’m WRONG and you’re already on dim, then show me. If I’m RIGHT, then dim your damn lights, arsehole.

Besides, with improved headlights and the increase in “driving lights” on newer cars (we used to call them “fog lights”), there’s little need to EVER have your brights on unless you’re alone on a two lane road.

I’ve come to the conclusion that most people that do this around here do it on purpose. Just to be an ass. Guess what? Mission accomplished.

Good. State Police officers are going to be running a DUI Crackdown over the holidays, as they usually do. I’m glad. Of course, I wish they would crack down diligently like this ALL the time, and not just around the Holidays, but they only get so much Federal grant money to help them pay for the extra man-hours. But whatever they can do, I’m all or it. I particularly like this part of the story:

“According to the Illinois Department of Transportation, eight of the 10 motor vehicle crash fatalities over the last Christmas holiday weekend were alcohol related. Six of the 13 fatalities over the New Year’s weekend were alcohol related.”

Let’s see, that’s 16 of the 23 fatalities involving alcohol. A vast majority. Much higher than the “fatalities involving speeding by sober people” totals, for certain. My point? As always, I’m just lookin’ for an admission from Law Enforcement: Speed traps are revenue builders. Not safety concerns. But revenue builders.

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Earlier this week one of my alter-egos had this description of road conditions, more of a “recap”, really, from the last week, during a phone call to the Scott and Gin show.

First, the freezing rain starts to fall. It’s at this time the roads get slippier than Britney Spears’ sanity. Then, they start to ice up, making them slicker than Mitt Romney’s hair. At storms peak, the ice on the roads gets thicker than Robin Williams’ chest hair. At that point, driving becomes as treacherous as hunting with Dick Cheney. Your vehicle is able to move forward about as well as the Chicago Bears offense.

Eventually, all the ice starts to go away. In areas where it was warm enough to melt away, the roads then become sloppier than Paris Hilton on a Saturday night, and it eventually turns to a heavy slush, which can push your car to the right faster than having lunch with Hillary Clinton. Or, to the left faster than having lunch with Fred Thompson. Either way, you’re going where you didn’t want to go.

And that’s the best way to describe life on the roads in Central Illinois for the last week.

There are lots of cars that you see on the road and say to yourself, “need to stay away from that one” or “got to get in front of that one real quick”. People ask me why I pass so often, particularly on two-lane roads. A lot of it has to do with more than just driving at a speed which is comfortable for me. It has to do with being safe. I’d much rather be in FRONT of a rambling wreck, or a driver that is obviously not paying attention, than behind them. So I pass them.

When people pull out in front of me on a two lane road and go 54, 55, or even 57 MPH, I might hurry and pass them, even if I’m also only doing 55-57, because I’d rather be in front of them when a wheel flies off, or when they hit the shoulder while applying makeup or lighting up a cigarette, and then overcorrect when they swerve back on the road.

So this afternoon, driving to Chillicothe to watch their Homecoming Parade, I saw one of those cars that I recommend you always be in front of: The Space Saver Spare Car. When car companies downsized vehicles in the 80’s, they came up with the “space saver” spare tire, you know the one, it’s little and allows the trunk to hold more. Right on those tires, in the car’s manual, and in the trunk where it’s stored you see the warnings about space savers: “NOT RECOMMENDED FOR OVER 45 MPH”.  They also recommend it’s use as simply temporary, like use it to get to the service station and fix your regular tire, and then take it off.

Well, today, the dude driving the full-size 90’s era Olds with the space saver on the right front (a drive wheel, to boot) decided that it was okay to cruise to Chilli in this vehicle with this space saver, and it appears it wasn’t the first trip the space saver had made, judging by the rim having the same amount of dirt and grime on it as the other three rims. Oh, and did I mention he decided to do this at 60-65 MPH?

I was doing my usual 61 MPH around Mossville (posted speed of 55, and 61 gets you blown off the road regularly) and Olds Dude pulls up next to me on the left, car not tracking too well, (moving back and forth in it’s lane, likely due to the space saver saying “whoa, dude, that’s too fast for me!!!”) and he’s following the guy in front of him too closely as well. Rather than stay behind him, and with cars right behind me, I increase speed to get in front of him (the safe place to be).

I fortunately stayed in front of him the rest of the trip, but kept an eye on the mirror as he darted back and forth between lanes looking for “the quickest way”. All the while, endangering not only himself but every other car on the road around and BEHIND him.

Just another vehicle to avoid when driving, and in this case, the safest place to be? In front.

Donchya just love the guys who drive 52 MPH on a lonely rural two lane highway (not to get specific, but let’s say, Illinois Route 78 between Kewanee and Canton), and then drive the same 52 MPH (or actually sometimes speed up) when going through little map dots where the posted limit is 45 (again, without being too specific, let’s say, for example, Laura or West Jersey on Illinois Route 78 between Kewanee and Canton)?

Those guys tick me off.

But not nearly as much as THIS guy:

The dude who drives somewhere between 49-53 on uphill “No Passing” zones, then suddenly finds it within himself to drive 62-66 in the zones where passing is allowed. Then, when you DO pass him he tried to not allow that by ramping it up to 70, 75, or 80 as you try to go by.

Still not as bad as THIS guy:

The guy who is cruising along on the Interstate at 67 or 68 MPH, but when you go by at 71 or 72, he chooses to latch onto your rear bumper to the point where you can see what part of lunch is still hanging off his mustache. He won’t PASS you, mind you, but by golly he’s going to be your new trailer you didn’t order. He’s also the guy that, when you slow down to his previous speed of 67, pulls into the left lane like he’s going to pass…and then doesn’t, instead sitting dangerously in your blind spot over your left shoulder, like the second goose in a “V”. That is among the most dangerous moves in all of driving, yet I see it all the time. Bottom line…if you haven’t got the cajones to travel 71 (which you’ll never be stopped for) by yourself, don’t make me your “front door” and expect me to like it. If/when a trooper decides to fill the state’s coffers by stopping a dude doing 71, the SMART troopers (and I know MANY who do this), will grab the second guy in line, the tailgater, the shoulder holder, the blind spot filling moron, before they’ll stop the first guy (me). Because they can see what’s really going on.

So, a message to the silver Toyota from Friday evening…grow a set, or let your wife drive.

I see where the catholic church (or more correctly, the vatican) has released a “10 commandments” for driving, rules of the road, if you will.

I’ve got an idea…instead, how about if the church works harder to protect young alter boys from getting molested by pedophile priests and I’ll worry about my own driving. Sound fair?

I like motorcycles. Don’t own one, not sure if I ever would, what with all my other interests, I don’t know when I’d find the time to ride. But I like ‘em.  I think they’re pretty cool.

That being said, when I saw a dad cruising the other day with what looked to be about a nine-year old girl on the back…and neither one of them wore helmets or had their legs covered, I wanted to pull up next to him and ask him where his head was at. Leave your own head uncovered? I don’t care, you’re an adult, and since the laws are so screwed up in this state that it’s not required, that’s his perogative. But at least put a helmet on your little girl, for Pete’s sake. I get so pissed when I see this stuff.

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I saw a show on Speed tonight that showed several NASCAR drivers participating in the Japanese “sport” of drifting, where drivers throw a car into a smoky power slide and hold it there while being judged on style, control, and other factors.

When I heard the announcer call it “The ’sport’ of drifting”, I became agitated. Anything judged is not a sport, it’s a  competition.

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But this time, they’re in the parking lot.

I’ve finally found one area where Peoria might…emphasize MIGHT…be a little better than Kewanee, and that’s driving through large parking lots.

The Wally World (Evil Empire) store is Kewanee’s largest, and has the biggest parking lot. It is nicely and clearly marked out, with parking spots and driving “lanes” clearly delineated. But that means nothing to the shopping crowd here. Once the drivers pull of Tenney Street or South Street to enter the Wally World lot, it’s a freakin’ free for all.

NO ONE, except newcomer yours truly, drives straight and correctly through that parking lot. They turn off South, and make a diagonal beeline right across the lot, darting between parked cars, crossing the “lanes” without looking or slowing down from what apparently is a mandated 30 miles per hour MINIMUM through this lot.

I will NOT let Diane or the kids walk in this parking lot. In the unfortunate instance that we must go to Wally World, I’ll drop them off at the door before I’ll let them walk through this manslaughter waiting to happen. I swear, one of these days, I’m buy a ‘72 LTD, strip the interior and put a roll cage in it, pull on a helmet, and then just drive up and down the aisles of the parking lot all day long, and see how many times I get broadsided. I’m setting the over/under at 7.

But I’m sure Mouse will tell me it’s not NEARLY  as “illegal” and bad as me driving 74 on an empty stretch of I-74. What’s the html code for the smiley that just rolls his eyes?

Let me preface by saying I’m all for safety, and again, let me state that speeding alone is NOT unsafe, it’s when there is a combination of poor driving habits involved that speeding CAN be unsafe.

Here is what I’ve said to the Legislators I’ve called this week.

I’m okay with the stings and speed traps, IF they’re performed with the following stipulations:

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Made a drive to Bloomington yesterday afternoon, and told my son on the phone as I was heading up the hill towards Morton, “I’ll bet I run into Illinois’ finest here in a few minutes.” And right on cue, there they were, four Illinois State Police cruisers, all with cars pulled over in the westbound lanes of I-74 just past the Morton exit 102, and all within 200-300 yards of each other. Mr. Radar gun, of course, was a half-mile further down the road, parked on an overpass, nailing drivers for the SOLE purpose of adding money to the state’s coffers.

Safety has NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING. PERIOD. This is a sting. A speed trap. A way to make money. Nothing more. As a matter of fact, this crap is ANTI-safety.

And it’s sickening. It’s also lazy. It’s many things, but one thing it isn’t is good police work. As I continued on towards Bloomington, I thought of the possible disasters from this operation. With five cruisers from the Metamora District all in one 1/4 mile stretch of highway, how many does that leave patrolling the rest of the district?

If it is truly dangerous to be a trooper with a car pulled over on the shoulder of an interstate (which it is), then how smart is it to have FOUR of your men dangerously pulled over within a few feet of each other? One careening semi truck could have taken out a bunch of the force, not to mention the numerous civilians who would be killed or maimed all because they were driving “too fast” and because the troopers were ordered to meet a quota.

Or, how about this tricky little question? What happens when an accident occurs on the West end of Peoria County or on I-155 on the south end of Tazewell County, or on Illinois 78 in Northern Stark County while all these troopers are within shouting distance of the Cracker Barrel in Morton? What happens to the response time?  How long before someone dies in an accident, someone that might have lived if the response time was quicker, someone that had to wait 25-30 minutes for a trooper to arrive because he and four others were busy ticketing that dastardly Larry Leadfoot for doing 76 on a perfectly straight piece of wide open highway? The same Larry Leadfoot that has gone 32 years without an accident, 32 years without a ticket of any kind, 32 years of perfectly safe driving?

Meanwhile, the accidents are truly caused by Featherfoot Fred, doing 54 in a 65 but deciding to change lanes without signaling, or passing without checking a blind spot, or merging into 65 mile an hour traffic at 42 as he comes off the entrance ramp, causing a domino effect behind him? Or by Jalopy Joe, who’s vehicle is unsafe at any speed, but he takes it out onto the interstate anyway. Or by Blind Bob, who is nearsighted but hasn’t changed his perscription for 22 years and follows so close you can see what’s on his teeth in your rear view mirror. Or by Oblivious Olga, who doesn’t care about anything in front of her while carrying on conversations beside her and behind her. Or by Distracted Doug, who smokes and eats and reads the paper and writes notes on a pad of paper in the passenger seat and fiddles with the radio to find Rush Limpballs on the AM dial, all the while cruising all over the road, darting from lane to lane, shoulder to shoulder, fading over the center line then fading back.

THOSE are your culprits. THOSE are the people that are unsafe. THOSE should be the ones stopped and ticketed. But nah, that’s too hard. Let’s just turn on a little piece of equipment that can sometimes correctly gauge speed and stop the good driver, the attentive driver, the guy who uses his signals and checks his mirrors and blind spots, the guy who doesn’t bother ANYBODY but drives a bit over the speed limit, which is too low to begin with. Yeah, let’s do that. Oh, and better yet, let’s do it all in one stretch of road, the SAME stretch of road every week, while the rest of the five-county district goes woefully unprotected and unsupervised.

Sickening. I’m calling legislators, starting tomorrow, and I’m not gonna shut my mouth until it’s fixed. And to pre-empt all the impending comments from the supposed-non speeders in the crowd: Shut up. It has NOTHING to do with safety, it has to do with money. THAT. IS. FINAL.

As I head to Bloomington tomorrow, I’m looking forward to seeing if the Illinois Highway Patrol will be making their fourth straight Saturday evening appearance on that treacherous stretch of I-74 between Morton and three miles east of Morton.  You know the stretch I’m talking about, the completely flat, completely straight, pretty much excellent visibility in all directions stretch?

Yeah, that one. There must be one helluva lot of accidents on this three mile stretch of road for there to always be three or four patrol cars on the road…and another watching from an overpass above. I’m sure glad they’re keeping that piece of road safe, and not the tree-lined valley near the Mackinaw River, or the steep tree-lined incline heading out of East Peoria, or the tree-lined hilly section with some deep ditches just west of Peoria. I mean, obviously, those places are MUCH safer.

But wait…no…it couldn’t be, could it? A speed trap? A revenue booster for the state? A quota-meeting section of roadway? Nah, they’d never do that.

When did it become okay to just cruise along with your brights on with no regard for oncoming traffic? It happens to me mostly on interstates and divided highways, but that doesn’t make it any less rude.

Dim your lights, you’re not the only freakin’ car on the road.

There are only four types of people who don’t dim their lights: the arrogant, the ignorant, the idiotic, and some combination of the three.

Don’t you just love it when you come up behind someone dutifully rolling along right at the speed limit (”good for them”, you think, “but I gotta go”), and then speed up the moment you try to slip past them?

I just love that.

Then, when you get by and set your cruise at 63 or 64 (in a 55), the dude decides to tailgate you at that same speed.

I just love that.

Here’s my message to the blue Ford dually this morning on Highway 78: If you don’t have the guts to speed out there all by yourself, stop using me as a front door. I’m open about my intentions, expectations, and possible consequences…why don’t you grow a pair and do the same?

I can’t think of any more gutless driving behavior than the driver that will follow anybody going over the limit, but refuses to lead the pack. Wimps. You think you’re smart, but you’re really not. When my uncle patrolled the highways of Minnesota, he purposely picked up the second car in line whenever he came upon a group of speeders. He figured (rightly so) that the second guy was just using the first guy to do his dirty work.

So I get on I74 at Knoxville this morning, just like every morning, and I set the cruise at 45, just like every morning, and 231 cars pass me before I get to the new Sterling exit, just like every morning, and I don’t see a patrol car the entire time, just like every morning.

After Sterling, I am still going 45, just like every morning, and in the one lane of traffic, I’ve got cars so close to me I can read the VIN numbers on THEIR car, just like every morning. As the end of the construction zone nears, 21 cars pull out to the right of me and accelerate before the 45 zone ends, just like every morning, with no patrol car in sight, just like every morning.

So what’s the annoying part? The annoying part is that two miles WEST of the 74/474 interchange, there sits one of Illinois’ finest, in the median, sideways, radar gun in hand, trying to catch people speeding…on the open, construction-free part of the highway.

Would somebody PLEASE get a clue over there in Metamora? If you’re trying to get that end-of-month quota met so you can get the required income you’re searching for, it’s quite obvious to ANYONE WITH A BRAIN that the easy pickings at $375 per ticket are right there for you.

If you’re trying to keep the roads SAFER (the standard line given), then again, there’s no excuse because ANYONE WITH A BRAIN knows that someone going 55 within a few feet of an unprotected construction worker is more dangerous than someone going 75 on the open, straight road.

With the constant speeding in the construction zone, there is NO excuse to be patrolling a stretch of road four miles west of this area right now. NO excuse. None. Period.

For the first time in many, many years, I almost had a car accident early this week. I have had a few close-calls (but no “near misses”, nothing that serious) in the last decade, but they’ve all been caused by someone else (idiot running stop sign, idiot not using turn signal, idiot not paying attention to traffic around him, etc.) I have avoided accidents in these situations because, quite frankly, I pay attention whilst I drive, whether or not I’m on the phone or adjusting the radio or even reading a CD liner. I don’t like accidents. They hurt. So I avoid them by paying attention and being a very good-to-excellent driver. I’m proud of that.

Well, Monday evening, I suddenly played the part of “idiot”. As I was entering I-74 from Route 78, I got up to speed, quickly catching the lady who decided to enter the highway at a rousing 48 MPH (”Things More Dangerous Than Speeding, #321″), and immediately, without checking my blind spot, moved to the left. Just in time, I noticed out of my peripheral vision a small white sedan in the left lane. I whipped back into the right lane and mouthed an “I’m sorry, my bad” while patting my chest in apologetic fashion. The gentleman waved back and showed tremendous understanding. It was the one time someone could have and should have shot me the bird. Amazingly, he did not, leaving the bird-shooting to the idiots who screw up and then finger ME. But I digress.

So I got to thinking…what made me mess up like this, I NEVER forget to check my blind spot over my left shoulder when I make this move…how did it happen?

I collected my thoughts: Nope, wasn’t on the phone…there it sits in the console; nope, CD player isn’t even ON, so it couldn’t be that; not eating; not reading a map or newspaper or CD jacket; I don’t smoke so it can’t be that; seat belt is on so I can’t say it was that; I wasn’t drinking a soda or iced tea, don’t have one at this time; I don’t wear makeup or brush my teeth while driving…could it, could it, could it be? YES! I was DOING NOTHING!!!!

That’s right, I wasn’t doing anything. Not a thing. Just sitting behind the wheel spacing off. So could I then make the case that “doing nothing” causes a fall-off in concentration? “Doing nothing” caused me to daydream and not pay attention to my driving? Could I say that there wasn’t enough external stimuli to keep me focused? Could I say that? Well, yes, I can say that!

So I am. I’m saying it. So now let’s see the powers that be start a study on this, and maybe when they’re taking my cell phone away they can also make a law that says “you can’t just sit and DO NOTHING but drive. DOING NOTHING causes the distraction of DAYDREAMING, and is now illegal.” I want to see that.

In other words, you want my cell phone? Kiss my daydreaming, non-distracted, almost-wreck causing rear.

Yet another tragic loss in Tazewell County, and yet another report by law enforcement that it was a “speed related” accident. First, that’s a copout (pardon the pun). For two vehicles to collide, at least one must be moving, therefore, traveling at a “speed”…2 MPH is technically a “speed”. So, all accidents could be called “speed related”.

But that’s not the real story here. In the PJS account of the story on Tuesday, nothing was mentioned about the real cause of this latest fatality until the VERY LAST LINE of the story:

Potts said it is not official, but early indications are that Riley ran a stop sign before the fatal crash.

That makes it NOT a speed related accident, but a failure to obey a traffic control accident. And there are FAR MORE of those than there are “speed related” accidents. It’s just more propoganda being spread to try and slow people down. How about we concentrate on stopping for stop signs and using turn signals instead?

Also, the story, like every other one like it, has the police quick to point out (they can’t wait to spit it out) that the driver “was not wearing his seat belt…” at the time of the crash. I had an incident about five years ago in Bureau County, when the police called the radio station with a fatal accident report, in which the reporting officer never said “was not wearing a seat belt.”

So at the end of the report, I asked, “did the driver have his seat belt on?”

(long pause) “Um, er, ah, well, actually, it’s not mentioned here on the report.”

“So in other words, the driver that died WAS wearing his seat belt?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well, you didn’t say he WASN’T wearing his seat belt, right?”

“What are you getting at?”

“If he wasn’t wearing his belt, you would have mentioned that to me, correct?”

“Yes, I certainly would have.”

“So since you didn’t say that, I can safely assume he WAS wearing his belt.”

“Say what you want.” (click)

Moral of the story: If you want to tell me about a lack of seat belt usage every opportunity you get, then you have to tell me when the driver DID have a seat belt on, too.