I’ve Seen My Future, And It Is Behind The Wheel of A Challenger

A few weeks back, I saw my first 2009 Dodge Challenger SRT-8 up close and personal. Yesterday, I saw my first “everyday” 2009 Challenger SE and 2009 Challenger R/T vehicles up close and personal.

The next thing I’ll see is me behind the wheel of one. May not be this week, may not be this month, don’t even know which one I’ll end up with (not the SRT-8, I’m not a Republican CEO therefore I can’t afford that kind of coin), but as the great Aurora-based philosopher Wayne Campbell once said: “She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.”

I hope someone from GM reads this. I’ve owned 13 Pontiacs and two old Chevy pickups. And I’m preparing to by my first Dodge. Maybe if you guys would build a car that looks this good, I’d be buying it. But you don’t. So I’m going elsewhere.

Here, This Will Calm The Stomach

After looking at the atrocities below, I thought I’d better post some pictures of actual GOOD looking vehicles to cure the nausea of seeing Toyotas:

There.  I feel better now.

Why Do The World’s Ugliest Cars All Come From The Same Company?

No company in the world brings forth so many ugly vehicles as Toyota. No car company in the world is as overrated as Toyota. I despise Toyota more than you can imagine. Toyota has been bringing us ugly…no, FUGly cars for a long time, and as you’ll see, they won’t stop in the future. Let’s go back to this gem from the 2000 model year:

That abomination of a vehicle begat this…thing:

Somewhere along the line, they went with this frickin’ box and called it a car:

But the worst of the bunch…taking ugly to new depths, has GOT to be this concept from Toyota, recently unv…no, unLEASHED, upon the public. A thing so hideous it makes Godzilla appear cuddly:

And not stopping there, the World’s Most Disgusting Car Maker has shown us this (are they just laughing when they do this, are they intentionally souring the entire auto world, or are they just all drunken Japanese dudes with penis envy on the beautiful machines brought forth by their American, German, and Italian rivals?). My god, they cannot do this to us, can they?:

America, and the world: Wake The Hell Up!  These things aren’t even remotely attractive. They’re disgusting. Throw in the hybrid-is-a-good-thing ruse, and Toyota is the Wal Mart of car makingm, the Bush/Cheney of automaking: Evil. Disgusting. Dangerous. For those of us that like smooth, flowing, American muscle car lines, Toyota is the Anti-Christ. For those of us who enjoy automobile racing, Toyota is the destruction of the sport. For those of us who appreciate how a car can be an art form, a graceful-yet-powerful looking beast (see: Viper, Corvette, ’60’s-vintage GTO’s), Toyota is a steaming pile of canine fecal matter.  

I Just Threw Up A Little Bit

A few months back, I posted over a period of time the 10 Ugliest Vehicles, in my estimation, on the road today.

Toyota, the most overrated company of any kind anywhere on the planet, was featured prominently on the list. If a Toyota is not boring, it’s ugly. They have those two categories sewed up.

So tonight I’m looking at the Chicago Auto Show website and I see this:

…and I got the same feeling you get when you realize you’ve just stepped in fresh doggy doo. What is wrong with these people? This is the Toyota A-Bat (the name is as stupid as the vehicle is fugly), a concept “pickup” they’re showing at auto shows this year. From the waistline down (about midway up the doors), it’s fine, but above that, it looks like somebody accidently folded the original drawing and the designers thought that was how it was supposed to look.

These guys put out the worst crap on the roads today - and don’t tell me about their “quality”, because it isn’t one damn bit better than several other companies making cars today. Period.

Kewanee Wal Mart Less Gassy This Week

Here in Kewanee, we’ve just lost our “Murphy USA” gas station, located, like all Murphy stores, on Wal Mart property. At first, I thought it may have been a failure for Wal Mart, which would bring great joy to most of the world. But it turns out that Murphy, starting in May, has begun purchasing the land from Wal Mart for each of their stations, after having previously just leased space from the Uber-Giant-Evil-Empire Corporation. With that announcement came the corresponding notice that 47 Murphy USA stores would be closing. Kewanee turned out to be one of them.

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This Is What I’m Talkin’ About

For years, I have claimed that Chevrolet has ridden on the coattails of Pontiac when it comes to design. Pontiac designers come up with beautiful cars…Chevy whines to the powers that be inside GM…and all of a sudden Pontiac’s designs become Chevrolet vehicles.

It all started in 1964, when Pontiac’s design team came up with this:

Look familiar? Yep, that’s as close to a 1968 ‘vette as you can get…but it was a 1964 Pontiac concept called a “Banshee”.

Well, the whiners over at Chevy have done it again. In 1999…that’s right, EIGHT years ago, Pontiac showed this at auto shows around the country:

That was going to be the next GTO. You can even see “GTO” in the grille. But no. The internal whining commenced, and Pontiac had to scrap the car, instead getting a Holden Monaro as the 2004 GTO. It was boring. A Cavalier on steroids. And it did NOTHING for Pontiac enthusiasts. It was a great car underneath, but Pontiac buyers expect loud styling. The 2004 GTO didn’t have it. This 1999 concept certainly did. But whatever happened to it?

By golly, THERE it is. But wait. What’s that thing on the grille? Could it be? Yep. There’s your 2009 Camaro, folks. Fully 10 years after Pontiac already did this car.

The 2000 Grand Prix I’ve been driving since it was new will be the last GM car I will ever purchase. The new Camaro, and Chevy’s crybaby internal attitude, are the reasons why. Some people buy whatever car they like today. I have, through my adulthood, preferred to remain loyal to a brand, in this case Pontiac. I’ve had 13 of them. But it looks as though I won’t get to 14.

Drifting A Sport? Not.

I saw a show on Speed tonight that showed several NASCAR drivers participating in the Japanese “sport” of drifting, where drivers throw a car into a smoky power slide and hold it there while being judged on style, control, and other factors.

When I heard the announcer call it “The ’sport’ of drifting”, I became agitated. Anything judged is not a sport, it’s a  competition.

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Ugly car #10

10. Pontiac G6

Yes, I’m a Pontiac man. I’ve had 13 of them in a row. But my next car will most likely NOT be a Pontiac. Why? Several reasons. First, the disappointing 2004-2005 GTO. While Dodge was building muscular, retro machines like the Charger and Magnum, and Ford had a hit with the new/old Mustang, Pontiac put out a Cavalier on steroids and called it a GTO. Sure, it ran great, as a matter of fact it was a great car. But boring. Sickeningly boring. GTO’s are supposed to be visually-loud, boy-racer, “here I am, sucker” kind of cars. The 2004 GTO was not. It was boring. Too bad.

Secondly, Pontiac designers got it right by announcing a 2007 GTO that was MUCH better looking. Want to know what it looks like? Check out the much talked about “new Camaro”. THAT was SUPPOSED to be the GTO. But Chevy, whining like they always do behind corporate doors, got the design given to them so they could do it for the Camaro. Chevrolet has done this countless times. The C4 Corvette that was released in 1984 was simply a two-seat version of the ‘82 Firebird. Don’t believe me, check out photos for yourself. The C3 Corvette that bowed in 1968 was an EXACT replica of a 1966 Pontiac showcar called the “Banshee”. Anything GOOD that Chevy has ever done has been stolen right out of the Pontiac design studios in the same building. So that ticks me off.

And thirdly, this thing pictured below. The replacement for the fine-selling Grand Am, the G6 is another in an increasingly long line of ugly GM cars. Look how far back the rear wheels are. It’s as if they almost forgot to put ‘em on.  When you see one on the street, from the side, you wonder “jeez, how far back to I have to look before I get to the rear wheels? What IS that?  This whole car looks like it was probably good looking in early stages of design and then someone smeared a drawing and the cab got moved up about four feet, and the trunk got cut off, too. The rear wheels of this car are like the less dominant siamese twin that just has to go where the other twin tells it to go. Just there as an afterthought.  Shame on you, Pontiac. Shame on GM for letting Chevy control what Pontiac does, too. You’ve lost me as a car buyer. I was very excited about the Solstice (still am, it’s a great looking little ride), but if we get one, it’ll be Diane’s car. Because when I sit in it with the top down, I look OVER the windshield, and I’m only 6′1″. But other than that, Pontiac’s got to do some work to get me back.

So there you have it. This list is not or never was intended to show the “10 ugliest” cars in the world. It was simply to show 10 cars UGLIER than the much-maligned Pontiac Aztek, which is a better vehicle than ANY of the cars on this list. And not as bad looking, either.

Ugly car #9

9. Toyota Yaris

Toyota strikes again. Heck, I should have just done a list of “10 Ugliest Toyotas” and it wouldn’t be far off from the actual list.  This is just godawful. Why do people buy these things? Seriously, supposed quality (which isn’t really as good as they claim) aside, why would you let yourself be seen in this thing?

Ugly car #8

8. Toyota Echo

Ugh.

These Toyota jerks have got to be the weirdest guys in the world. How can one company make so many undesireable-to-look-at vehicles? And then people actually BUY them!  Note to young people: this vehicle does NOT make you cool. Period.

Ugly car #7

7. Fiat Multipla

This atrocity would have ended up much higher on the list, but fortunately for us, they don’t sell this thing (to the best of my knowledge) on our side of the pond, so we don’t have to look at it. But it is SO ugly, that it’s lack of attractiveness can physically be felt on this side of the pond, and it sneaks onto the list. Fiat has never shied away from making ugly cars, in fact, they revel in it. But this takes the cake. Honestly, was there a weird fold in the paper when they sent the design drawings down to the studio for a clay mock up? Did the guys on the line look at this thing and say, “which one of the designers has been doing LSD?”

This is awful.

Ugly car, #6

#6. Dodge Nitro

Much like the so-called Chevy at #5, this…thing…comes from the guys who brought you the ‘68 Charger, the ‘70 Challenger, and more recently the ‘92 Viper, the gorgeous new Charger, and the “I can’t wait” new Challenger.

I don’t know who this new Nitro will appeal to, but I’m guessing the “I drove a Willys in 1948 that looked just like this thing” crowd is getting pretty small by now.

Ugly car #5

#5. Chevrolet Aveo

This is from the same marque that brought you the ‘57 Bel Air, the ‘62 Impala SS, the ‘67 Camaro, the ‘69 Chevelle, and Corvettes for over 50 years. Seeing something like this come out of that “design studio” has left me with a 3-word question:

What the hell?

Ugly cars, #’s 3 and 4

#3. Toyota Prius (top) and #4. Honda Insight

I will only say one thing about the gawd-awful ugliness of these two…these two…two…pathetic eyesores:

I will consider buying a hybrid car when they stop looking like this!

Ugly Cars, #2

2. Toyota Scion xb

Not to be outdone by rival Honda, and in an amazing coincidence, a Toyota exec found another drawing by the four-year old Mr. Issagawa (see Element, below) and reproduced it for his company.

Seriously, what is up with Japan’s automakers if this is what is coming off their drawing boards? Anyone who reads Motor Trend, Car and Driver, and Road & Track has known for years that these magazines are on the take to the Japanese auto industry, constantly telling us how wonderful the vehicles from Japan are. But they lie. I’ve never had a friend with a Japanese car (I’ve never owned one, and probably won’t) have it be completely free of flaws, but the auto mags tell us that Japanese cars are made of the finest quality and never break down.  Um, yes, they do, and when they do, it’s damn expensive to fix one.

When it comes to styling, which is one of my MOST important parts of a car, the auto mags also brag up the Japanese cars for their “clear, concise styling”. I call that boring. Or ugly. As a matter of fact, Japan lags so far behind the curve, or is so far off the styling curve, it’s amazing. This list is showing you UGLY cars. If I were to show you BORING cars, Japanese sedans and current Chevrolet models would be the entire list. So I’ll give Japan credit for one thing…they’ve finally gotten away from boring look-alike four door sedans and into ugly look-alike pseudo-SUV’s that make such “ugly American” cars as the Aztek look positively dashing.

All-Ugly Car List, #1

As a longtime Pontiac guy, I used to get very angry when every car magazine decided the Pontiac Aztek was the ugliest vehicle ever. First of all, as has now been proven since the Aztek’s arrival, it was ahead of it’s time. Secondly, while admittedly not attractive, the Aztek was NEVER the “ugliest” thing on the road, and ask any Aztek owner, the vehicle was full of nifty features, and drove quite well.

So I present to you, one at a time, the “10 Ugliest Vehicles of Today”, using 1990 and later vehicles only.

1. Honda Element

How ANYONE could find this piece of turd attractive is beyond me. This vehicle was not “designed” by automotive artists, it was originally drawn by 4-year old Nakasuki Issagawa on a napkin of a Tokyo McDonald’s (they love the arches in Tokyo). A Honda exec nearby saw young Nakasuki’s drawing and asked if he could have it. He took it to the office, where they built the vehicle with absolutely no changes from the drawing.

That’s the only explanation for this vehicle’s creation that sounds even remotely plausible to me.