Sports Radio Has Lost It’s Mind

In the past few days, every time…EVERY time…I’ve turned on a sportstalk radio station, be it in Chicago, Peoria, the Quad Cities, or New York or Minneapolis via internet for that matter, the discussion is the same.

Are they talking Spring Training baseball, a very exciting time for all teams? Nope.

Are the talking about the stretch run in the NHL or NBA? Nope.

Maybe they’re talking about the soon-to-descend-upon-us college hoops March Madness? Um, no.

Oh, wait, I know! NAZICAR season just started with the big Daytona race. Gotta be it, right? No again.

What are talking about? Yep. The frickin’ NFL. I’ve heard Mel “What The Hell Do I Actually Do?” Kiper ranting on ESPN about potential 5th round draft choices at the all-important punter or tight end positions. I’ve heard other hosts rambling on about how Bubba Joe Bob Hickaburger can squat 450 a hundred times, or how Latonzalicious Jackson runs a 4.32 40-year dash without pads, but slows to 4.38 with pads. I’ve heard how Studly McOverrated QB is 6-4 and can see over lineman and can get the ball from his hand to a wideout on a 12 yard hitch pattern in 2.73 seconds, about .04 seconds faster than Sexy California Dudewacker, who’s also only 6-3 1/2, btw.

Interestingly, btw, you don’t hear about their college grades or their steroid test results…but I digress. Bottom line:

I…DON’T…CARE.

And nobody else does, either, except for 31-year old Geech Puckerbrush sitting, unshowered for days, in Mom’s basement gearing up for the next big season of Fantasy Football.  

Talk baseball. Talk hockey. Talk stock cars. Hell, talk bowling and golf. Just DROP FOOTBALL FOR A DAMN WEEK. Hell, the damn draft…another overrated and overhyped phenomenon, is still over a month away. Just shut up about football for one stinkin’ week. That’s all I ask. Sheesh.

This Just In

The Department of Homeland Security (snicker)* has just let the folks in Illinois that in case of an attack on our country, we’re all supposed to report to the end zones at Soldier Field, as nothing ever touches down there.

*Use of “snicker” stolen from Peoria’s Blogfather and his inability to contain himself when commenting on a PJS editorial.

This Just In: Todd Sauerbrun’s Daily Planner Revealed!

Denver Broncos punter/kicker Todd Sauerbrun didn’t have a good day yesterday. He kicked the football directly to Devin Hester not once, but twice (in the same quarter!). Then, when he finally figured out that wasn’t a good idea, he decided to punt right into the outstretched hands of Charles Tillman, resulting in an easy (even for the pathetic Bears’ offense) 18-yard scoring drive. By my calculations, if Sauerbrun and the Broncos had half a brain, they would have won  yesterday’s game 34-16.

To find out what makes this guy tick, this intrepid reporter has acquired Mr. Sauerbrun’s Daily Planner for Tuesday, November 27th:

7am - Guzzle cup of scalding hot coffee

8am - Run up and down stairs with scissors in hand

9am - Stick fork in wall socket to check power

10am - Insert angry ferret into pants

11am - Cut down tree with chainsaw, always making sure to be cutting “up”, with chain over my head

12pm - Try to steal raw meat from Michael Vick’s pit bull

1pm - Shave dry

2pm - Reach into aquarium, try to grab Piranha

3pm - Jog in center lane of interstate

4pm - Cover body in honey, enter bear exhibit at zoo

5pm - Wingwalk on F-15 in stocking feet

6pm - Have dinner with Mike Tyson, tell him he’s “a big sissy”

There you have it, a day in the life of Todd Sauerbrun. This should help explain yesterday’s behavior.