Earlier this week one of my alter-egos had this description of road conditions, more of a “recap”, really, from the last week, during a phone call to the Scott and Gin show.
First, the freezing rain starts to fall. It’s at this time the roads get slippier than Britney Spears’ sanity. Then, they start to ice up, making them slicker than Mitt Romney’s hair. At storms peak, the ice on the roads gets thicker than Robin Williams’ chest hair. At that point, driving becomes as treacherous as hunting with Dick Cheney. Your vehicle is able to move forward about as well as the Chicago Bears offense.
Eventually, all the ice starts to go away. In areas where it was warm enough to melt away, the roads then become sloppier than Paris Hilton on a Saturday night, and it eventually turns to a heavy slush, which can push your car to the right faster than having lunch with Hillary Clinton. Or, to the left faster than having lunch with Fred Thompson. Either way, you’re going where you didn’t want to go.
And that’s the best way to describe life on the roads in Central Illinois for the last week.